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  • Listen before you get head on with the trending rumours emanating from the domestic laboratories. The epidermal happens to have started in Nyeri some years back. Today, the Kenyan Ebola has however risen to alarming levels which must be addressed. These days you might not gasp having seen Omondi or Chemaina with a woman made lump in the shiny plate; which makes the top of his head. Don’t mind when you meet a charitable organization anti-femmi jugo international providing free helmets and nylon aprons as sleeping gears. As what happened with HIVvs protected sex. The latter will tirelessly advertise protected life; or more specifically masculine life as they warned of irresponsible sexual behaviour. The

    former will speak of irresponsible partnership. For a myriad of years the international body, UN, has been confronted with the endemic chauvinism which never gave in to the slogan; what man can do a woman can do better. It was until a woman, Bensouda, and a worker with the organisation groaned from tummies of some of the strongest amongst sons of Adam; that its truthfulness started happening from Nyeri. This time in a venomous vigour. The spirit went on encroaching to a national disaster, not only Nyeri. So if you happen to be one of those who haven’t yet got a clearly sparkling warning, go slow with these people. If you are in one, try to investigate whether she possesses the key to the domestic armoury. After Fatou made some of us cry from a public toilet and even went ahead to double deal; this psyche has silently diffused. In fact since she unconditionally created herself a witness in the name recanted evidence, the spirit of equality has regained some extra momentum. Remember they have a new language. We no longer have kitchen. It is the domestic armoury or simply weaponry store. The initially so called bedroom has likewise been elevated into domestic laboratory in the new equality spirit.

    These days you have to call upon some external force to activate your essential if you happen to be chemically disabled or simply this man called “karofo” happens to have tampered with your snega power. In the new state she won’t stand your trouble. We are all equal and she won’t hesitate teaching you an eternal lesson. In such a circumstance you might face an irreversible essential “displant” by a domestic based professional surgeon. The fellow got the skill through apprenticeship and she is likely to send you to ICU for further medication. However, it is not that with all the other factors constant you are safe. If it happens you come home past Cain hours and it is as if you come in with the whole brewery, come slow. For the sake of your simple life. If you think I am criticizing you go ahead and do it. Try come in saying how you have many Moi’s and Kenyatta’s photographs. In case your words remind her of the joint account you co-owns with Kenya breweries your grace period will instantly be cut short. You will see her face you with her eyes horizontal to yours; so be ready for the battle. Ever since Hague happened, they have learnt a new tactic. Call it guerrilla tactic or simply “hit and run”. So if you see her look at you as if her eyes could leave the socket and come closer, don’t think she humbles to your manhood. These days we don’t have a man or a woman; we are all trouser wearers in the new Kenya of equality. In the circumstance, she is trying to go through your program and when she get the most appropriate time to go by the new tactic you will be in for it. Perhaps that will be your last moments in a definite race.

    So she would go to the armoury after her eyes have had enough of you. On the other hand you will look around and see the only sensible creature within the table room is your four wheeled Obama as the day prove one which everyone has to fast unconditionally. So you will only sneak yourself into the laboratory. What you might not be aware of is that you have just left your then a “situation” preparing a killer inorganic acid. In the next one hour you will be out of the village on your way to mars. On the other hand your “situation” comes in with a basin full of the vaporising acid. First she would count the miles you have made away by simply singing a soft praise song. When she realises you are only comparable with the lifeless rock behind your house; she slowly open the door wide. Meanwhile, Obama thinks of something to do with a chicken and without any once notice he quadrupedals to the scene. In fact he is not wrong; he is getting the right thing differently. The same liquid that peeled feathers from a soaked cock is about to make you completely bald and to some extent peel your skin off. Ever since Kenya got the first woman brigadier these people have grown brave. So she will fearlessly splash the acid on your body; in such a case you will have to loudly call upon another woman. Possibly your secondary God or simply your co-creator who you will call as if she is superhuman. So you will say “wui mami”. Perhaps you happen to have recently shown her the door after your “situation” talked of something to do with allergy to the odour of expired humanity or simply those past the biblical pass mark age; seventy. In the moment you will confess haunts by the black demon. So you will loudly cry”pepo nyeusi” as you through away the flame like beddings. Perhaps what you haven’t known you just soaked the small creature in the same fire. And you would instantly hear another man cry from the foot of your bed. In the moment your situation will have vanished leaving you on the mercies of the most high. This might make the tiny Obama think he is gender wise substandard or simply his sexual orientation have no “say” right from the domestic front. You will also have to seek private medication or if you have to die you exit secretly. Else the shame will follow you upstairs. Perhaps you could be thinking this is a burden for those who know the cost of “blue moon”.

    Remember these days you don’t marry you enter into a “binary inhabitance agreement” where little violation have a wider repercussion. Again we no longer have wives call them “co-inhabitors” who in the new Kenya have little to do with an “issue of a man”; and in case you go on troubling her she evolves into the acidic “situation”. So if you happen to be one of those who breaks article 7 of infinite BC commandment clause, come slow. Actually, hell comes your way if you happen to have consumed your full salary with the “life sedatives” the mortal “Wanyonyi” sent you in the name personal secretary. Back home you have been declared “persona non grata”. This means that in case your “situation” sees something of your calibre she ensures it is lifeless or simply past tense. As usual you will walk into the house in your holiest soberness. In the meantime somebody sniffs your presence from the armoury. Quickly a hungry and angry face which will suddenly combine to an ugly one comes in. Then question ranging from “who married who?” to “you think I will tolerate this?” comes overlapping. Perhaps this is not the problem. Possibly the problem is that she is not asking you; instead she is telling the gossip vested neighbour.

    While in such a condition you have to remain silent. So whoever she is telling will only think she talks to the voiceless walls. Trouble comes in if you happen to be one of those who are metabolically semi-viable or simply whose growth stagnated at their fifth year. Those whose wives share a blood with the legendary Wangu wa Makeri are also not an exception. This time she will assume an open field battle. In case she overpowers you; your mouth will have to replace your eyes in the optical department as she sweeps between your legs smacking you down to the mercy of your Obama. In fact you will suddenly think of Jichieng the poor Chinese who sells you Bata shoes in December holidays. Obviously for a Chinese to take your wife he applies divide and rule policy. This is where by she takes your woman to a part time romantic “tae kwon do” class and she will come into the house like the first man in the jungle. In this case you will be involved in harsh internal revolt in transit from “domestic manager” to “domestic womager”. In case you seem abit stronger she brings in the “scorched earth policy” where she destroys

    everything related to you. Remember, the being possesses coloured claws. When in such a circumstance you will face cover-based violation. When I say this I mean at the time you surrender your clothes together with your skin will be pensionable rags. Henceforth you will get contained in a one little container till death do you part. And that’s how men pulls a wet skin to cover up their nakedness or else what you call being “sat on”. It is all about the equality value from our domestic front.

    By Paul Wahome.

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